I got there a little early and the receptionist said she would sign me in. It was surreal even driving. Thankfully the therapist's address is programmed into the phone's GPS but as I got close I was recognizing places and then the GPS kept insisting I had a right turn coming up and I knew it was a left turn (which Max clarified), still it was strange -- knowing that the GPS was wrong even though I wasn't sure where I was.

Elsie came out and asked for me by 'name' (as in the legal name) and I got up and started to follow her. Then she stopped and let me walk past, and again there was that moment of o.O and then the "wait--the office is right there". She commented that there were different colors in my hair and that it was a different style than she'd seen before. Abby tends to wear the hair in pigtails, and I know Max loves to braid it (when he can be bothered) but I wore it in a half ponytail turned into a bun (I suppose that would be Setsuna Meiou style, thinking about it). I just thought it would be neat to try. When I was getting ready for therapy I was using it as an opportunity to really explore what I like and don't like personally, so I tried out various pairs of earrings and necklaces in that were in the jewelry box and in the box of home-made things, and painted my nails and sort of went to town. I wound up wearing the crystal drop earrings and a choker. I left the skull studs in the second hole because I didn't feel like trying to pull them out, and put a pentagram earring in the one third hole that is still viable. I wore a pair of blue jeans (I really want to get some black ones) and a black tank top with a dark teal mesh t-shirt over the top.

She said that I was wearing a lot more jewelry than normal and asked if she had met me before. I said that she hadn't. She asked who I was and I told her that might be a bit complicated, so she asked for me to hold off on details until she got a drink of water. She came back and asked why it was complicated. I said that I hadn't been around before. She said, "Oh, I haven't met you before?" and reached for her notebook, which I'm told she keeps an alter-tree diagram that Max drew for her in. I said, "No, I mean I didn't exist before last month." She did that double-blink sort of double-take that I realize usually means people are trying to mentally process something that doesn't quite make sense at first.

So, she asked me to explain and I told her that I'd come from Ami, Terri and Sarah. She pulled out the alter-tree and I explained that I hadn't come from parts of them but that they weren't around any more. With Max's help I clarified who they were and which of them she had met, and explained some of the process and how Kore helped us with the final aspects of things. How it was planned and executed.

Then we talked a bit about day to day life. She asked me if I had any questions for her, if I recognized her and I told her how strange that part of things was, that I had awareness of not being around but at the same time knew about things which were going on and could remember a lot of what the others had experienced: how I was taking over the web design things, but at the same time re-learning some aspects of things. She said that it is common for multiples to have issues with "missing knowledge" because it can be locked away and only accessible to certain alters, and that the fact I had "come from" a child alter, a teenage alter and an adult alter might be very helpful in that regard because I essentially had access to almost a full life, in theory anyway. She asked if I remembered any childhood and I told her bits and pieces, because that is true. I remember being picked on by "the cancer kid" (there was a girl in my primary school who had leukemia and therefore would get away with picking on other children Sarah included because if you told on her she hammed up the cancer angle and we would get in trouble instead). I remember other portions. I realize also that I'm randomly remembering other things such as today at work some tunes from "Starlight Express" got stuck in my head and I kept singing parts of them, up until that point we'd completely forgotten that we'd even seen that show. We saw it in London with family and then again on a youth group trip, so probably around the early 90s we saw it.

Back to topic though, the memory explaining segued into the recent dreams/nightmares and I showed her print-outs of the journal entries to do with those and therefore also the reiki. She said she was a big believer in the power of thought in generating action after I explained that I tended towards skepticism with regards the reiki, that I wondered if our own anticipation of the initial reiki healing generated the energies that felt healing, and that we weren't ready for the healing that Marley is apparently very adamant about giving. When I read her Marley's second email she commented, "just send 19.99 plus shipping and handling" and I laughed. I said it did feel like that, very much, and that I really didn't think that opening the gates to everything was very productive because it seemed that some things were dammed up for a reason, and she said absolutely, the whole reason that a person becomes multiple is because the psyche and brain fragment or separate for a reason be it actual or perceived survival and you can't just open everything up all at once because it would be extremely overwhelming and counter-productive, and that in fact as I was speculating there might not be a need to ever open everything up but that things should indeed be worked at gradually, and that absolutely becoming "one" is not necessary.

She did say that I seemed a lot more comfortable in "my" skin than she'd really seen before, and there was a definite calmness to my way of being. I told her that one of the things we'd worked on with Kore was damping down a lot of the nervousness and paranoia. That it wasn't as if I had no fear or anything but that I could tell that we were definitely handling crises better overall, such as the second air conditioning leak. We tend now to go "okay here's the minute to panic and now it's done let's find a solution". I also put this down to actually being medicated. While I realize there are no medications for multiplicity, there is apparently a very long and sordid familial history of severe depression, and I would be lying if I said I couldn't see a difference in energy level from being on those anti-depressants. They were started about a week before my "birth" and it is absolutely helping.

We also discussed tactics with the munchkin and his behavior and how being consistent with him more often is helping, and how Terri used to be one of the few that he listened to so I believe her input in my own making is helping a lot with that. He still tries to get his way but at the same time I have less issue with putting my foot down with him than others have because I realize it's for his own good, that he needs to understand authority and respect it. At the same time other than the occasional frustrated "because I said so" I've been trying to explain the why to him. Though after the sixteenth "why?" "because I said so" tends to be the default answer. I feel an analogy involving "Mindy" from "The Animaniacs" to be very fitting.

The end conclusion is that there are no plans overall to integrate any further than this. We'll see how things come.

Today we have our first appointment with the therapist since my "birth".
I'm planning to go, but I suppose we'll see if anyone has other ideas about that on the way.

Wish me luck.
I've printed out several of the journal entries from here (without comments) and Ami's goodbye and several other things to take with, including both handwritten journals (we now have two).

It's going to be interesting, I imagine.
This was a cancellation appointment. She had an opening at 2 and 3. So, I don't know if that means I have a really long appointment, or if it just means that it might not matter if we run a little over.

This is a copy-paste of something I put on the main LJ, but I thought perhaps others here might have input also. I'm not aware of who is and who isn't practicising reiki, and while I was supposed to learn my teacher kinda flaked away and stopped talking to me, despite my contacting her and asking where I should get the books from that she wanted me to get and which ones they were (she was supposed to send me the info via gmail and never did) .

Anyway, the point of the message is thus; 

Mum has a friend, an erstwhile friend who is still in the UK while we are in the US. Apparently they were friends back in the day, lost touch, reconnect blah-blah.

Mean time Mum's friend whom we will call Marley has become very esoteric in mind. She's gotten reiki attunements, she reads numbers and things like this. She sent me some reiki a bit ago and I did feel for a few days a great sense of warmth around me when I was lying down to rest.

Well, Mum tells me she was getting Marley to send her some more energy and did I want some sent also? So, I said, sure, that would be cool, maybe help me soothe down a bit more and help us get things back into limber etc. So, apparently the healing was set for 6 days and set on the 8th but I didn't find out about this until the 11th, other than something about drinking a ton of water.

I find some sort of irony in this that my period started yesterday, when it had been late :p

Anyway, then Mum forwards me the email from Marley because Marley had some impressions and concerns etc.


( Read more... )


Now initially I had thought I was supposed to talk to Marley before this even started because she needed more info on my situation because it is somewhat unique. Now, we have this. So, I'm not sure what Mum filled her in on with regards my happy little head, but there are certain intentions put forward into this reiki which make me go, huh???

Maybe it's just that I don't understand enough about the process.

I went to bed the first night I was aware of this healing that should be at my pillow and was a bit...bombarded, there was all kinds of weird things going on, and then last night's dreams involved weird people, women primarily, showing up and trying to talk to specific people in my head, I felt bombarded on ALL sides and they're kinda going "HELLO??? ARE YOU IN THERE??? You need to come out and PLAY??" and there's this, "DudE!!! Reason this door is L-O-C-K LOCKED! Back away from the psycho person PLEASE" and various snips, and at one point someone tried to kiss me on the mouth and was all mad when I didn't automatically flip to whoever she was wanting to kiss.

It's like ack ACK back away!

I so need to email Marley and be like -- if I decide I want to try this again I think you and we need to talk about what you think is going on versus what is going on etc. This is not entity attachment I've had attachments removed before, this is Multiplicity. Does reiki teach you what to do when what everyone is looking for this sole soul personality IS NOT THERE?

I know Mum wants to find her baby girl and see her healthy and happy and whole, but...sorry, mama-child, that ain't going to be.

I had this dream last night. Thought I would write it up online given it was clear enough early this morning to write it out in a hardback journal.

Now I just have to move this here and find something to fit this--footsteps? odd footsteps? crap--is it? Well, who else would it be? The panel is crooked remember that so you don't--OW!
She's almost...twirling?
There's that moment of hope that she's so wrapped up in whatever this is that she will just float on by and leave me to my improvements of what I'm less and less affectionately coming to term "The Hulking Bastard"
I start to turn back to the panel figuring to actually take the door off all the way before going back in. Should have known better than to turn my back.
The innocent twirler jabs me in the side.
Thankfully I had not picked the panel up or I would have dropped it on my fagrile toes.
"So," she says, "Do you despise me right now? Are you plotting my death?"
"Seriously?" I hazard a glance at her, "I'm sure you could incinerate me with a fireball for even a micro--"
"Ah-ha!" she says, "So you have thought about it!"
"This is a very [gleebled?] up situation, "I point out, "but I am not only alive but also intact so I can't complain," I yank the panel off and drop it in a corner.
She leans over the top of the console to look down at me. She's leaning over on her back, "but you do complain."
"Well you're a mad woman who consistently endangers not only my current home, but my life, limbs and sanity at a moments notice often for a non-existent reason or to get more wine."
"Awww," she says, "Is that all? I really can do better," she starts to hum.
"You don't have to--"
"I don't like to disappoint," she meanders off humming. I hear the door open and close but daren't allow myself a sigh of relief.
The door opens again.
"Say, how important for running and speed and such IS what you're working on right now? And don't start with that 'I'm being punished' speech again, it's so overdone."
"If I tell you it's very important will that change in any way what you're planning to do?"
"Hmmmmm---probably not."
"Then carry on--I'll survive...somehow."
"Drama Queen."
"Devious Wench."
"You got it!"
The door shuts again.
I don't breathe.

I've been trying to write about this sort of thing but I find myself hesitating. That was two nights ago that I first had the idea. So, now I'm making myself write about it so that I break this cycle of hesitation. Two nights is more than enough hedging.

I'm sure there are quite a few dreams that I need to get out but I'm going to focus on one at a time. Lately a lot of dreams have been jumbled and I'm not quite sure what I've been dreaming but I remember one that recurs. I have several.

( Graphic & Bloody, involving suspension )

I know this has not happened to me in this life. I believe it comes from Yana, because other times I'm strapped to a table and there are people, ghostly shadows hanging above me and I can hear them creaking and crying and again they're bleeding on me. There are people telling me that they want to die and I can feel just all this panic and terror not just from me but from at least six other people.
In the writings about Yana there is a war and she is captured by the Chamar and held as a POW. I know that she was tortured. However that's also not now, but it's so very real.
Very real. Real to the point that when I write out the dream I can feel the beginnings of the anxiety within me. My chest gets tight. My heart pounds. My mouth goes dry.

I took us outside with a plate of candles, a smudge stick, some salt and a lighter and my phone with a special play list booted up. I lit the candles and then lit the smudge stick and danced around the deck in my t-shirt singing with my heart out and just as I got to a certain point I looked up and there she was: THE MOON.

I felt so elated. I danced back over to where the candles were and picked up the salt and started to sprinkle it then was overcome by the compulsion to eat some, so I did. In the back of my mind was the notion that you're not really supposed to eat the ritual salt, but it was what I felt I should do so ... okay, then.

Then I came back inside. THe buzz is already starting to wane, which I think may be the shift in the playlists music designed for energy building up and then wind down.

I will see people tomorrow as I hack at my "to do" list.

I suppose it's just one of those things. I'd been meaning to write all day yesterday about various different things, but when I actually get the chance to come forward it's after the sleeping meds have kicked in, which combined with the "small" white russian Max drank meant, I'm actually surprised what I wrote is as sensical as it is.

There have been a lot of things going on, but I feel proud that we're not freaking out. I had an initial OMG moment after the water was seen, but Kore and I worked through things practically, and had various plans of attack, but not the means to get them going because they required a shop vac. Plus, there is a LOT of conflicting information on the internet, and the fact that the AC was being presumed to drain through the sewage lines into the septic tank meant that we didn't want to bleach through the lines, but thought that perhaps we could do something like Liquid Plumber.

I called Mum's but Max and Abby were the ones who spoke to her. I still feel a little strange some times about talking to people, they don't know me, but they're aware of our situation. I feel as though I should introduce myself. What IS the protocol for a situation like this? A few, Zack, included have expressed wonder about how I'm doing and all of that. I suppose I will just stay out and about today (a few people are coming over at noon and make an introduction) I don't want to shove someone out of the way just to say "hi". (I'm not Max :p~)

John loaned us the shop vac, refused to take the $80 of the $200 we still owe him, said that we might need it and he could wait. He also gave us some frozen bass, and a few different things we could try to do to find out if the AC does indeed drain through the sewage or not, and various possibilities for clog removal including, if necessary, sawing off the drain pipe and bypassing it.

Jer and Zack showed up right as we got back, helped us load the shop vac in the house, and as Abby was trying to suction the pipe, Jer looked inside the vent cavity and was somehow able to discern that it does NOT drain into the sewage, and went out to the exterior unit, where John had said the pipe SHOULD be and dug around and found it. I apparently have to put a U-Bend on it this morning because it sticks UP about a foot and a half, and had a cap on it, and that would just be a HUGE invitation for the munchkin to shove something down there because we've uncapped it. The pipe also continues on from where the one sticks up so it's a T, in essence and not an L. We have no idea where the other portion goes. There might be a drainage field, there might be a river running somewhere, it might be stopped up by mud-daubers as John speculated the pipe might be. Normally they just drain straight out low to the ground, but given the way the land of the house is if it was just draining straight out horizontally it would be buried in sand and land and permanently stopped up.

In House Owning 101, which I debate writing a book on at this point. Things you learn. AC units apparently generate this goopy sludge, that I compared last night to spooge & honey. This is called "biofilm" and is a sort of bacteria/mold that is attracted to whatever it is that drains along with the water out of an AC condensor. We sucked a shop vac full of this stuff, along with gross looking brown water out of the drainage line once Jer found it. He graciously helped to rinse the shop vac out afterwards while Abby called Mum to let her know we had finally found the drainage line and would have AC and wouldn't have to do any of the remodelling that John had offered as "last resort" options.

So, now that we know where it vents about one a month or once every two months we have to run a solution of warm water and bleach through the line to prevent further build up of this biofilm, and remember also to change the filter out around the same time so that there's less dust build up on the condensor's "radiator" which is inside the unit.

Yesterday was also the day of AFN food pick-up. That was interesting. They were all very nice people. They had teenagers carrying people's food to the cars, they gave out bottles of water, and a gentleman was in the parking lot cleaning people's windshields while they were inside. They didn't have any more seafood boxes, so we got a package of "convenience meals" which had been put together ready to reheat and eat. They're--not brilliant, but they're something. The munchkin seems to REALLY like them so they'll be good things for people to give him to eat when they're watching him. They're not offering the seafood box next month, so perhaps we'll just order two of the main boxes and the speciality box, once we see how far this stretches. A lot of the fruit is either slightly on the un-ripe side or close to being TOO ripe, but "beggars can't be choosers".

Anyway, the munchkin is asking very politely for me to sit with him on the couch so I shall, and go find the phone also because Abby or Kiddy had made arrangements to call our friend in England before we get the phone shut off to conserve finances.

...at least they seem to be.
I haven't really officially introduced myself to any of the friendly types who hang around our house a lot. I do say OMG it's been a heck of a first week! Money troubles, munchkin drama, work drama of a technical failures sort for the most part, and then the AC decided it wasn't over it's clogged drainage line and backed up again.

I think that was a good sign though. It was something thought through analyized and fixed, with out major breakdown. I will say there was frustration right off BUT aside from a few overly sarcastic jokes I think we got through okay and thanks to the wonder of Mum's BF and our friend Jer ALL is fixed now and we have AIR and no graually increasing pile of water creeping out through the vent.

Core sludge is GROSSS!! It looks like spooge crossed with honey ;_; there is no nicer way to put that that, none! 

Anyway, in other things there have been various efforts at creative endeavors a bit of writing, some drawing of, I believe, a tattoo idea and some beadworking done tonight, so that's a good sign hopefully of things to come.

Libido is doing pretty well too, which is nice. Will have to see what I can do about actually getting some singular ritual time to sort out where my specific faith is going. I feel a bit...lost...without direction, and I have a burning desire to remedy that.

I've been adding a few people. I hope that you will add me back. I have been adding those of you who were/are on Ami's former journal. I hope that we can get to know each other. If you do not wish to add me let me know and I will remove you from my F-List.

Thank you.

You have all been good friends and great bastions of advice and good will and I hope that we can become friends, or continue to be friends -- I'm not sure what the proper wording for that should be.

I'm endeavoring to get us writing again.
My idea is to garner prompts, and each day we take one prompt and write a "drabble" I think they're called about the specific prompt.
My hope is that this will get us into the rhythm of writing again and hopefully get us past this block that has been going on.

Thank you for any suggestions.
If you know of the subjects we've been writing about previously the prompt can be related to that, or fanfiction related. The main genres of fanfiction we've written on previously have been: Sailor Moon, Silent Mobius, Gundam Wing, Harry Potter. There may be others the fanfiction.net account is I believe here (http://fanfiction.net/~ceruleanecho)

Thanks for your help.

I'm cross posting this to my own journal so some of you may get this twice.

I feel more officially here and present now, which makes sense given the workings that Kore and I did last night; smoothing through the cracks, so to speak.

At least the hypnotherapy training is good for something? I can't work as a practitioner officially at the moment because I don't have a building -- but I was able to walk through things with Kore before hand and she helped us guide ourselves together.

I haven't spoken about all of that on here before, for the last few days I've been more of a cardboard cut-out -- that's hard to write and hard to grasp; but it's the truth, being a portion of a person with Multiple Personality Disorder, can bring those truths to light. Overall until last night there were nine alters, personages within the head, and I was vaguely here. I could feel and I could see and watch, but really there was not much here. It's the truth. I knew I was emerging, that I was hoping to be a certain way, but I was in essence waiting to be born anew.

Last night I continued to watch as the other three, processed their feelings, endeavored to separate themselves from the things which have been holding them back: excessive anger, fear, lack of self-worth, doubt, excessive worry, excessive paranoia and those things, and they were burned, and then we all came together. Kore used a beautiful analogy where I was a statue at the end of an aisle in the library which is our collective mind and as each of them came into me I became more and more life like. I can't help but think of the picture that Steph (dusktodawn) drew for our esoteric website.

Then I was, I felt cold but full of energy at the same time. Slowly my thoughts have been coming more together. I'm still a little unsure about things, but the wavering is disappearing gradually. I think some of it is more due to the fact that my energy didn't drop until around 1-1:30 a.m. and then I was woken at 6 a.m. by the one that we know as "munchkin" online. He is okay with things. Then he let me comfort him when he stubbed his toe in his sleep around midnight and freaked himself out. Then he liked two of the others who came to me, even if he didn't listen to Ami very often. He really liked Terri and would do as she said. So far he's been fairly obedient. He's trying but I seem to have retained both authority and compassion. It doesn't feel any less odd talking about myself that way, but still.

My faith, ironically, is the most confused. Ami was agnostic, Sarah also, Terri was more on the lines of  "f*** the powers that be" I understand that others are Pagan, and it feels primarily as though I should be that way. At the same time I have strong childhood memories of going to the "Church of the Ascension" a Protestant venue with the mysogynistic first minister, and the highly nervous second minister. I've decided that it will be best for me to continue the soul searching. I remember looking everything up about witchcraft, but this is highly personal.

D, last night, was suggesting that it's appropriate that the prayer book on the bookshelf is mine because I am "Faith". However I told him last night I'm not sure about anything related to that right now. I have this "maybe I should just wait until I meet whichever God it is and then -- " sort of overall, but that also pains me. I want to believe.

I suppose I need to pray, and see which prayer fills me with the most light. I've said before that the most light I experienced was praying in a Pagan fashion, casting circles, drawing down the Goddess -- but at the same time that feels a bit disconnected now, as though it was in a past life.

But the journey is not meant to be easy, it's full of twists and turns. Overall I feel peaceably, just tired.
After I actually eat, and take the munchkin for his promised neighbourhood meander I'll revisit this. I'll have time. D is taking Kore for a driver's lesson this morning, perhaps the munchkin and I can light a small fire and I can pray while he plays.

I feel that I should have mentioned before that most of my journal entries come from http://dreamwidth.org/

I was sent an invite code to dreamwidth on my birthday (two days ago) and signed up, a friend heard that I was looking for a place to "blog" and said that it was up and coming and that I might like the aspect of just being able to write into the space and let my words fall where they may.

I saw that DreamWidth would let you automatically cross-publish posts to other journal platforms and since I was interested also in joining communities for discussion and a lot of the dreamwidth communities are sadly fairly inactive I thought I might check out some of these cross posting possibilities, and so discovered http://livejournal.com/ also and so far the communities there have appeared to be a bit more active.

As it is, DreamWidth has sent me two invite codes, apparently as a thank you for signing up, so if anyone is interested in checking the place out and perhaps getting some of these discussion communities actually rolling and what-have-you, let me know.

It's been a while since I've had the weird dreams I associate with "memory" rather than just dream. The ones that tend towards ongoing stories, or repeating the same event over and over again expanding a little each time.

I've forgotten what that was like, so I distrusted it at first -- then I realized that always made up such a cornerstone of the way I thought, and the repetition -- I suppose denial really it's a natural pattern of something like that. Past life memories. I mean, it's easy enough to forget what you had for lunch the day before let alone acknowledging that there may be truth in a memory of another life time.

In some cases I look upon them merely as inspiration, especially when they appear to be going forwards instead of backwards. Shiny metal ships, flying through black with stars rather than over oceans or under them -- it's all a bit strange. So, either I'm channeling really great story inspiration (if only I could regain my concentration to write it down) or they're memories, or perhaps both.

Just because my ex was crazy on the whole thing doesn't mean I can't retain my own sanctity. It's important to me to remember, to learn the lessons that the memories can teach. I can concentrate on that without becoming obsessed or trying to control and manipulate others.

Other than that nothing much today. There's a lot of chaos around me but I'm trying to retain serenity. Last night with all the candles and the power fluctuations things were very cool. Today I hoped for another storm but alas it was just a tease. Maybe tomorrow? We'll see.

I'm on the lookout for various communities of different sorts which discuss the supposedly weird things that I'm interested in. So, if anyone happens to stumble across this journal and can recommend to me places that have discussion of the following, I would appreciate them dropping me a comment and letting me know about these places.

• occult


• paganism


• tarot


• paranormal


• ghosts


• reincarnation


• past lives


• alternate reality


• spirits


• incarnating as animals


• UFOs


• alien abduction


• strange creatures


• things which go bump in the night


• psychic phenomenon


• directed dreaming


I'm sure there's more that I'll add to this list, or maybe I'll just expand the list and copy-paste it.

As I said on yahoo -- not that anyone has probably read that. I seem to do this periodically, find myself in need of a new form of expression. A place to talk and hash things out and whenever I do I seem to default to Faith.

The need for it, the exploration of it, the talking about it, scrapping and scribing and scrawling and crawling towards the way to find it and verify that it really exists for me. I don't know quite why that is, but this time I feel that it will stick. I need this as much as I need to breathe, and no matter how melodramatic that might sound it doesn't make it any less true.

So, I will write here, and I will pour everything out and perhaps I will be able to remold myself the way that I need to finally.

I don't know that I mean remold, perhaps just heal.